I Think I See the Light

Every one of my posts should start out with a Cat Stevens-inspired title, yes? Today, I have started with aforementioned title because it's rings true. I have been trudging through a seemingly endless tunnel; the Tunnel of Infertility, Disordered Eating and Depression. If I had seen the sign ahead of time for that one, I would have avoided it and taken a detour!

Now I am emerging at the other end of the tunnel. I am looking behind me, and saying, "holy shit, that was long as hell!" and I'm also looking ahead, breathing a sigh of relief, and eagerly seeking a change of scenery.

On this journey, I have doubled back many times. I've had some high points, including running a half-marathon, starting an amazing job that I am still loving, getting to a healthy weight, lots of psychical and fitness "firsts". I have also had many low points; ending a very traumatic chapter of employment that caused a great deal of anxiety, stress, and self-doubt, retreating into myself and withdrawing from family and friends, developing disordered eating and loosing too much weight, becoming infertile and struggling with it every damn day. and gaining back all the weight (the loss of which was in part the cause of said infertility).

With the support of my love, many friends and family, some professional help, and lots of ugly, tough work I've been putting in, I have been rebuilding my life. To move forward, on, up, out, past, ahead- choose your descriptor, that's where I'm headed.

Currently, this is going to involve working on some other life goals and passions that do not involve having children. After 2 rounds of hormone treatments and attempts at pregnancy, and after nearly 2.5 years without a period, I just CANNOT continue to devote the time, energy, and mental/physical  anguish I have been spending on trying to make my period appear. It's not here, it might never come back, and I need to let go of it, for now at least. So this is going to be a break from the goal of "starting a family", and focusing on the awesome, funny, weird framily I already have, spread around the city, the state, and the country.

Mike and I sat down yesterday, and plotted out exciting things that gave me energy and enthusiasm (sorely lacking as of late). I can't remember all the things, but it is essentially a list of dreams and goals for the next year and beyond. Things we can dive into wholeheartedly, things that will move us forward, as well as expanding our minds and hearts, some individual goals, some shared.

Exciting things we plan to do in the next 6-12 Months:

• West Coast(ish) trip: Sara & Wes, Erin & Ali, Paul & Lauren, Angela & Mike; we're coming!
• Pay down the mortgage so PMI is gone
• Run a 5k (again)
• Take a trip to Greece
• Hike a chunk of the Appalachian Trail this summer: Libby? Mary? Erin? 
• Pare down the garden outside, and make the part we have left low-maintenance
• Do some upgrades to the basement (re-tile, add door) to ensure it is rent-able long-term
• Gym 3x per week
• Hit the $50,000k mark for retirement savings
• Finish the Rolling Hills disc course under par (that's a Mike goal. Mine is just to finish without an uncountable number above par)

These are all value-driven goals. My foundation was in a shambles, and in re-building I have been able to examine what exactly was under all that other stuff! I've sorted out some pretty simple core areas of importance that I hope I can live by: 

• Happiness and enjoyment 
• Being a regular person, not aspiring to be a perfect, flawless fictional character of myself
• Presence and authenticity
• Getting re-involved in community activities that I love
• Connecting with family and friends (even when times are hard)
• Building up to a more healthy lifestyle, a middle ground between where I was and where I am

A huge, unending hug of THANKS! goes out to everyone who has lent a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, love from across the miles, advice I needed to hear, patience and understanding when I needed it most, and a kick in the pants, even when I didn't want one! 

Wandering towards The Middle Way

I have never been one to traverse the elusive "Middle Way", no matter what the topic is. I like black and white. I like defined and delineated. I thrive on planning, clear direction, and goal setting. Many times, professionally and otherwise, this mindset is an asset. However, it has contributed to a lot of pain and heartache in my personal life. 

Being physically active and eating healthfully without being crazed; Still working on it every. damn. day.

Let me illustrate: For me, “I think I’ll go out for a run” is two quick steps from “and why don’t I just train for my first Marathon!” I have this quirky all-or-nothing mentality that has caused me a lot of trouble, anxiety, and needless stress.

Looking back at where I was a year ago, in May 2013, I can see more clearly than ever the un-healthiness of the “Healthiest I’ve Ever Been” status I’d achieved. I was at my lowest weight - a weight that left me feeling cold even in the heat of summer, and having very low-energy, even for daily activities. I was physically active for at least an hour most days- to the point of it interfering with other life stuff.  I consistently tracked every calorie that went into my body, and rated each and every thing on this self-imposed scaled of whether or not it was a “good” food or a “bad” food. Of course, I was not allowed to let any “bad foods” enter my system.  I had essentially turned being thin and fit into a religion, one to which I was an enthusiastic convert, diving headfirst into orthodoxy.

Now, I’m reformed my worship. I’m still practicing in the temple of Fitness, but I am fitting it in to my life where it belongs. It’s a component of a well-rounded, happy me; it’s not all-consuming, it is not ME. Throughout the last year since my "turning point", even within all these struggles with food, nutrition, feelings, cravings, sadness, and exercise, I have been building a more resilient self. Deconstructing the tough, hardened, rigid self I had created and taking pieces to form a flexible, adaptable, authentic me.

What this looks like for me: the ability to exercise frequently or even participate in races without having to train for the Olympics. The ability to eat healthfully and nourish my body without going on a Whole 30, Paleo-inspiried elimination diet. The ability to get to a place of fitness where I feel comfortable, energetic and active without feeling like I’ll be PERFECT if I just loose those last 2 lbs.

I’ve been working hard at this elusive destination- this Middle Way of health/fitness. I’m moving towards it. Heck, I guess that being on the path to the Middle Way essentially means I am already traveling the Middle Way. Now if I could only quantify where the true Middle is? ;) Just kiddin'.

In the midst of all this flailing about, there is a LOT to be proud of:

• I continue to flail. I fall and fail on a weekly basis, but I get back up. Each time, I am a bit better at picking myself up, I fall a little less far, and I can rebound more quickly.

• I’m consistently making it to the gym several times a week- I have successfully cultivated a Gym Habit- that’s a big deal!

• I’m still un-packing my eating issues. Overall, I am more relaxed with eating what sounds good to me, without a lot of restriction.

• I've continued to take whatever action is available to get my elusive menstrual period back ,and most days, I can stop myself from flipping out that I haven't had it in more than 1.5 years. Most days.

• I am working, with the support of counselors, through a lot of the emotional issues that put me in this mindset in the first place. Counseling is painful, terribly slow, and helpful. Also, sometimes it’s the worst.

• I am falling back in love with exercise, for the simple pleasure of it. I have continued to run 2-3 times a week for fun, I am getting back in to yoga, and I’m thinking about a 10k race here in a few weeks.

• I’d still REALLY love to become a Spinning Instructor, and I’m planning on registering for a certification course for the end of June. 

The gift of honest self-reflection is priceless. It's a gift that I try to give myself in the toughest times, because a little stumble on the path does not equal a back-breaking tumble down the hill of the Middle Way. As the amazing Cat Stevens would say, ♫ There's so much left to know, and I'm on the road to find out ♫ 

Reflections on my Fittest Year (so far!)

Sept 7th, 2013 marked what I consider to be my 1 year Fit-i-versary:
On Sept 7th, 2012, I had my first fitness assessment at my gym. I had just joined the previous week, and I had barely begun my journey towards health and fitness.

Looking back, 2012 me would have been shocked by many of the things 2013 me has accomplished: 

• Picking up running & ENJOYING it
• Completing 9 fitness events/races including a 5k in under 26 minutes
• Finishing my first Whole30
• Hiking 13 miles in one day on the Appalachian Trail
• Loosing over 25 lbs (& maintaining!)
• Squatting 125 lbs

Even the fact that I've fit in a workout 4-6 days a week EVERY SINGLE WEEK for a year just blew the socks off my 2012 self. I've achieved lots of the short and long term goals that I set, and even knocked some things off of my 2013 "Bucket List".

Ringing in a new 'year'

I celebrated my Fit-i-versary of Sept 7th in a way I feel was very appropriate- giving a bit of my time to some truly inspiration athletes trying to achieve some of their own amazing goals. I spent the wee-early hours of Saturday morning at Run Woodstock, a weekend-long series of running events here in S.E. Michigan. I wanted to be a part of this awesome weekend, and I decided to volunteer as a Aide Station "Roadie" on the 50 K/50 Mile/100 K/100 Mile course. To see these incredible folks giving 125% effort was SO inspiring. 

Let me paint a quick picture:

I woke up, got dressed, made some oatmeal, and headed out the door around 4:40am on Saturday. I drove 40 minutes to get to Hell Creek Ranch, near Pinckney, Michigan, where the Run Woodstock weekend was being held. It was still dark when I arrived around 5:20am, and I could see lots and lots of stars in the sky! I parked, checked in, and drove with a new volunteer buddy to Gracie's Aide Station, where we'd be spending the next 6 hours helping race participants. It was really neat to see the runners, most outfitted with headlamps, trucking down the trails. At this point (6am), the 100 Milers and 100 K'ers had been going since 4pm!!! the previous evening, and the 50 Mile/50 K folks were just starting. 

Over the next 6 hours, I saw runners in elite form, and others who looked like this task was quite a challenge for them. I saw runners who looked amazingly unfazed by an 100 mile distance, and others who stumbled to the aide station and could not take another step. I saw a pencil-thin woman with a knee-gash get bandaged up and continue on the trail. I saw a father encourage his son, despondent by the distance he had yet to run, that he could and would finish. Many of the runners seemed to be over 40, if not over 50, which was an awesome surprise. 

I was really thankful to have had this experience, and to support fellow athletes in this way as I myself celebrated quite a year. As I drove home around noon, I spent some time reflecting on the key fitness lessons I've learned over the past 12 months.

Lessons from a year of Fit Living

Get Moving, and Keep Moving

It really is true- If you can make it to the gym, or to the start of your workout for the day, whatever it is, you're 90% there! Getting out 4-6 days a week and being active has been key for me; not only has it helped me to move to a healthy weight, but it's also been a stress-reliever, and allowed me to compete in 9 fitness events so far this year, a huge source of pride and accomplishment. If I feel like shit tomorrow, I'll still go to the gym. If I only do 30 minutes of cardio, no problem. 9 times out of 10, once I start my workout I feel better and I'm able to knock out a kickass session, whether that's 30 minutes or 90 minutes!

Eat to Fuel movement, not Move to justify Eating!

When you're looking to loose weight, you do need to create a calorie deficit somehow. This usually involves eating less calories than your body needs. Now that I am where I want and need to be, weight-wise, I have realized that I need to switch my mentality from working out so I can burn "enough" calories to one of "eating enough to fuel the awesome things I want to do". True athletes eat LOTS- enough so they can power through their practices, games, and events. There's no reason why it should be different for us everyday athletes; we need enough fuel to power our bodies and recover for another hard workout tomorrow!

It's all about Feeling Good

The biggest thing I've learned this year is that health and fitness are all about feeling good. Eat what makes you feel good. Occasionally, this could mean taking time for a cookie or a special treat. Most often, this means eating whole foods, saying no to processed junk, and eating until you're full; not less, and definitely not more. 

I learned that the same thing goes with weight- the weight you feel physically good at is better than the one where you look like a supermodel and can't make it through the day because you have no energy. In February, once I hit my goal weight, I just kept loosing weight. If I'm feeling and looking great at 110lbs, wouldn't 105 be AMAZING? I got down to 105 and found out that the answer is No; for me 105 or even 108lbs was not a sustainable weight. When I hit 106lbs and 17.5% bodyfat, I felt a little leaf, about to be knocked over by the wind. I was cold all.the.time, and I didn't really have enough energy to fuel myself. By all accounts, women can get down to 12% bodyfat and still be in a healthy range, but for me, this is not the case. I looked fit, I looked skinny, and I did not feel good. It wasn't worth it, and it took me some time to recognize those feelings.

I'm now at about 110-112 lbs, which is just fine with me. Not sure what my bodyfat % is, and I'm not sure that I care to know right now. I am learning to trust myself and my body. I have the knowledge and skills to make good food choices, to move and exercise in a way that will keep me at a healthy weight for me.

In Conclusion..

Lots of good things achieved, but I'm not done yet! This weekend, I'm headed to the Kensington Challenge for my first 15k, October 5th I have a "practice" Half Marathon at the Heroes on Hines race, all to prep for a MAJOR challenge- the Detroit Free Press Half Marathon on October 20th! I'd still like to take the Spin Instructor Certification this year- there's a class coming up in November so stay tuned for that! Thanks for your support and encouragement through my journey so far!

Reached my "target weight"; Now the real work begins!

Why Hello! :) I'm doing a very self-congratulatory post today, so sorry in advance! I want to re-cap my fitness journey so far, because Monday I reached an exciting milestone- my "goal weight". (Sound the trumpets!)

When I started this journey back in 2010, I weighed 145 lbs, which was my highest recorded weight. As a 5' 0" shortie, that's a fair amount of extra fat, or at least it was on me!

This is me in Dec of 2010, folks.

After 2 years of trying out different exercise programs, and slowly loosing and gaining back 8 lbs (through P90X, gym memberships, yoga videos, etc.), something finally clicked in my brain; in Sept of 2012 I was ready to ACTUALLY make a change. I joined my local Community College's gym this past September, got a fitness assessment, and started working out 5-6 days a week, for a total of 300-400 minutes per week, as well as truly monitoring my calories here on MPF, on a 1200/per day routine. I set some goals, both weight related and otherwise, and set to achieving them!

These past 5 months have been life changing! I've started doing heavier weight lifting, I lost 26.7 lbs, and my body fat percentage went from 31.4% to 20.2%! I started clean eating, I completed a Whole30 program, I've run 3 5ks, I'm now training for a half marathon. While the weight loss is awesome, and the new clothes are great, THE BEST result of all these changes is that fitness and healthy eating are my lifestyle now.

This lifestyle is easy(ish) to maintain because of YOU! My #runchat buddies, my fellow crazy runners doing 13 races in 2013, my friends at work, who have been really supportive as well and great gym buddies, my dad, who is a constant fitness inspiration, and my husband, who has made me feel great at whatever weight!

I know now that I'm not finished! Just because I reached some number on a scale does not mean that I get to quit eating healthy and stop going to the gym or that I don't have room for improvement, greater success, or to challenge myself!

My plans to keep myself motivated this year:

• I'm running 13 races in 2013, including 5 5ks, 3 10ks, a Mini-Tri and at least 1 Half Marathon!
• I'm working on building my strength by doing the Strong Lifts program- today for my workout I'll be able to squat 105 lbs and deadlift 110 lbs- my exact body weight now! 
• I'm hoping to get my 5k time down to under 26 minutes! My first 5k time in 2008 was 38 minutes, and this past Nov my time was 29:42. 
• Continuing to blog here about my fitness journey, so I can share with others, give back some of the support I've received and remind myself of how far I've come!

SO after rambling on- THANK YOU, friends and family, both IRL and virtual, for your support now and into the future! Also for those of you still struggling, know that it's possible to achieve your goals and redefine yourself! See you out there- at the gym, on the track, on the road :)