I have had a tough couple of months here, although I think I am turning a corner, finally.
This has been such a year of Highs and Lows. On the High side, I've learned and thought a LOT (too much!) about healthy eating, clean eating, Paleo eating, high-fat low-carb eating. I've hit some great physical benchmarks- completing my first and second Half Marathons, finishing 12 (will be 13) races in a year, loosing over 30 lbs, squatting more than my body weight. I've developed a regular gym habit, which I've sustained for over a year.
I have also struggled with a lot of Lows this year. Over the past 12 months I have struggled with loosing my period (in February of 2013) and going through a series of tests & doctor visits to try to figure out what is going on, Getting down past my "Goal Weight" to a place that was not very healthy or realistic for me to maintain, a very tough transition of leaving a job at an organization I thought I'd be with for the next 5 years, intentionally having to gain weight back (and then some) in an attempt to regulate my period, and trying to make the transition to this new, great job as a normal, functioning employee who feels valued and respected. On top of all of that, I'm feeling ready and excited and even anxious to start a family with my hubs, yet I cannot do so because of the lack of a menstrual cycle.
The past 5 months, particularly, have been pretty low. Feeling like I have lost a lot of the physical progress I made due to intentional weight gain and then emotional eating. At first, I was gaining weight back to be at a body fat % where my period might return. Now I am definitely in a safe zone there, and probably heading back into the overweight category without successfully regaining my period. This has been a huge blow to my self-confidence and self-esteem. I'm now in the process, with the help of a counselor, of building my self-esteem back up.
I have learned some truly life-changing thing about myself in the past 12 months:
- I have huge issues with burying feelings that I can't manage and "dealing with them" through emotional eating. This "coping" mechanisms has been super destructive to my life in the past several years.
- I withdraw from friends and family when experience severe emotional distress, rather than reaching out, which is silly!
- I have really missed music and involvement in the Jewish community, two things I gradually, unintentionally stepped away from. I don't know how I became so disconnected from them, but I need them as a emotional and spiritual outlet.
While these two things are hard truths to bear, they will help inform my focuses for next year:
- Reach out, connect, and put myself out there
- Open myself back up to exercise- I can still have exercise goals without heading down a Disordered Eating pathway again.
- Accept what comes next- if I get my period back, great! If not, we'll continue down the adoption path
- My body is capable of amazing things- Running farther than I ever thought possible, lifting heavy things, and functioning on high efficiency when I treat it well
Thanks to everyone who has supported me on this roller coaster of a ride! I'm looking forward to 2014 and renewing my commitment to this fulfilling journey I have started.