Now I am emerging at the other end of the tunnel. I am looking behind me, and saying, "holy shit, that was long as hell!" and I'm also looking ahead, breathing a sigh of relief, and eagerly seeking a change of scenery.
On this journey, I have doubled back many times. I've had some high points, including running a half-marathon, starting an amazing job that I am still loving, getting to a healthy weight, lots of psychical and fitness "firsts". I have also had many low points; ending a very traumatic chapter of employment that caused a great deal of anxiety, stress, and self-doubt, retreating into myself and withdrawing from family and friends, developing disordered eating and loosing too much weight, becoming infertile and struggling with it every damn day. and gaining back all the weight (the loss of which was in part the cause of said infertility).
With the support of my love, many friends and family, some professional help, and lots of ugly, tough work I've been putting in, I have been rebuilding my life. To move forward, on, up, out, past, ahead- choose your descriptor, that's where I'm headed.
Currently, this is going to involve working on some other life goals and passions that do not involve having children. After 2 rounds of hormone treatments and attempts at pregnancy, and after nearly 2.5 years without a period, I just CANNOT continue to devote the time, energy, and mental/physical anguish I have been spending on trying to make my period appear. It's not here, it might never come back, and I need to let go of it, for now at least. So this is going to be a break from the goal of "starting a family", and focusing on the awesome, funny, weird framily I already have, spread around the city, the state, and the country.
Mike and I sat down yesterday, and plotted out exciting things that gave me energy and enthusiasm (sorely lacking as of late). I can't remember all the things, but it is essentially a list of dreams and goals for the next year and beyond. Things we can dive into wholeheartedly, things that will move us forward, as well as expanding our minds and hearts, some individual goals, some shared.
Exciting things we plan to do in the next 6-12 Months:
- West Coast(ish) trip: Sara & Wes, Erin & Ali, Paul & Lauren, Angela & Mike; we're coming!
- Pay down the mortgage so PMI is gone
- Run a 5k (again)
- Take a trip to Greece
- Hike a chunk of the Appalachian Trail this summer: Libby? Mary? Erin?
- Pare down the garden outside, and make the part we have left low-maintenance
- Do some upgrades to the basement (re-tile, add door) to ensure it is rent-able long-term
- Gym 3x per week
- Hit the $50,000k mark for retirement savings
- Finish the Rolling Hills disc course under par (that's a Mike goal. Mine is just to finish without an uncountable number above par)
These are all value-driven goals. My foundation was in a shambles, and in re-building I have been able to examine what exactly was under all that other stuff! I've sorted out some pretty simple core areas of importance that I hope I can live by:
- Happiness and enjoyment
- Being a regular person, not aspiring to be a perfect, flawless fictional character of myself
- Presence and authenticity
- Getting re-involved in community activities that I love
- Connecting with family and friends (even when times are hard)
- Building up to a more healthy lifestyle, a middle ground between where I was and where I am
A huge, unending hug of THANKS! goes out to everyone who has lent a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, love from across the miles, advice I needed to hear, patience and understanding when I needed it most, and a kick in the pants, even when I didn't want one!